I was recently reflecting on conflict, and the self-judgment we can experience when an issue arises. We either default to blaming ourselves for what is happening or take on someone else’s misplaced blame without deeper inquiry. This can be really stressful. One of the great gifts I received from training in Spiritual Psychology was learning how to be more compassionate with my unhealed inner parts that would normally take on blame or even be crushed by it. I know I make mistakes, and have issues to heal, but I don’t default to self-judgment. And there’s a reason for this…
I have worked for a long time in this inner realm, with different aspects and younger parts within, guided by spiritual wisdom teachers and my higher self, and this work has given me the experience of forming deep bonds with these parts. A tremendous amount of loving care, compassion, listening, forgiveness and learning has come from these processes. These inner parts, alive within me and sometimes stuck in old patterning but ultimately willing to transform to a higher awareness, have shown me important keys to my liberation, and I am tremendously grateful for these collaborations.
The young parts within us, influencing us still, are protecting themselves because they are scared, alone, and confused. Of course, they are! They are also very wise, funny, and strong, and definitely connected with something larger than the egoic self. They know how to track events in ways we have forgotten or denied, and help us connect with what is most needed for healing. They are ultimately seeking to be accepted and loved by us and to offer their dormant gifts.
Primary to longer-term transformation is the experience of these parts within moving into supportive partnership with us. They shift from being needy and neglected to consciously engaged in a healthy way. We know that we can count on them to have our backs when support is needed, because this is the relationship we establish and cultivate. The inner fight stops. See, when these parts live in the shadows, and are wounded and distorted and highly guarded based on old thoughts and inaccurate interpretations of the past, they are a part of our psyche and they inform our behavior. When we get angry for example, they play a role. What we usually think we are angry about is not the core issue. We usually project our anger out onto someone else, blame them for causing our upset, and take little responsibility for the anger actually coming from a deeper unhealed part within us. The way we deal with the issue IS the issue.
Even if there is wrongdoing between people, resolution can happen with caring and respect. If anger is involved, you can be sure there is something deeper to look at, and ultimately it isn’t about the other person. This inquiry into root cause of our fear and anger, our blame and shame, our projection onto others, will lead us to these unhealed parts of ourselves, and therein lies the gold. Because when we make contact, and do this regularly, we see how important these parts are, how wise and helpful and productive they can be in our everyday lives. They’ve got our backs, and this gives us an inner strength that we did not previously know we possessed. They show us that we have the power to responsibly resolve our issues, regardless of outer circumstances. They teach us how to compassionately re-parent our full selves in ways we may never have grown up with or learned. They help us form a more integrated mindset that is productive rather than destructive. They help us stop projecting our unresolved material onto others through blame and shame. They are a wellspring of data on emotional, psychological, mental, and physical levels, sparking a curiosity of sacred learning rather than judging.
We don’t need to go looking for issues to resolve and ways to heal, they will show up in our lives. And when we take responsibility for our upsets by working with inner parts of ourselves, and transform them into allies and partners, we learn a lot about the compassion for human frailty. A quote I recently heard that I love is, “We are flawed mortals, fumbling towards enlightenment.” To me that means that we all will make mistakes, and bad choices, and we can be kind to ourselves knowing that it is just a part that needs our loving attention and care, and this helps us be kind to others.
Wishing you Happy Fall Full of kindness, Melanie